Toxic support – Coaching patterns that do more harm than help

Good intentions alone are rarely enough to help fighters stand out and reach championship level. Differences in body type, learning style, and mental design require deep knowledge to tailor feedback, structure classes, and guide athletes effectively.

In many cases, formal education in coaching or teaching is missing from club leadership, despite how essential it is for understanding how people learn movement and how groups function. Human dynamics are not intuitive, and very few people can see beyond their own preferences without training. This often results in schools where coaches only can teach students who are similar to themselves in build or personality, while others are unintentionally pushed to the periphery. In some cases, coaches may conclude that those who differ from them are simply “not cut out” for success.

There are several recurring coaching patterns that can trigger shame, self-blame, or even push trainees into traumatic situations. For competitors, it is essential, and for non-competitors, strongly advised, to examine the treatment they receive within a club, as toxic coaching can cause lasting damage. Below are some of the most common patterns.

1. “You know what’s wrong with you?” / “The problem with you is…” / “What you have to fix is…”

Although often presented as help, this framing places the coach in the role of judge rather than guide. It evaluates the trainee from a distance, without sufficient knowledge of their actual case and progress, and makes the trainee feel watched and judged rather than supported. Additional issues with this approach include:

• Offering unsolicited judgment—especially negative judgment—is demoralizing. When done publicly, it can be humiliating.
• Research shows that focusing attention on perceived weaknesses decreases performance. It is told that our focus narrows the incoming information by more than 90%. when flaws dominate focus, existing strengths are neglected and deteriorate.
• This approach also imposes the coach’s definition of what is “wrong” onto the trainee which might be inapplicable in the trainee’s actual context.

For example, statements like “your problem is that you get upset too quickly” rely entirely on the coach’s subjective definition of “too quickly” and “upset.” This reflects limited understanding of core differences between people and shifts the trainee’s focus from development to self-doubt. 

2. “You still don’t know?” / “You were shown this several times…”

This shame-inducing stance usually comes from a mix of lack of sense of responsibility and the lack of ability to build an effective class routine. It implies that the trainee is incapable or lazy and is frequently paired with gestures of disappointment, such as head-shaking or dismissive motions. While sometimes framed as “motivational push,” this approach is damaging.

Humiliation is not motivating. It depletes energy, commonly to the point of giving up, which ironically reinforcing the coach’s expectation.

The responsibility of a coach: Instructing until the trainee gets it. A technique is successfully taught when the student gets it. Demonstrating something three times and expecting everyone to get it is not teaching. It’s demonstrating.

3. “I’ll tell you when you’re ready to compete”

Competition readiness is a personal journey. Coaches only can reasonably assess external factors, such as equipment, basic rule knowledge, or general technical exposure, but readiness goes far beyond that. If that was all needed to successfully compete, this whole platform wouldn’t exist. The lack of understanding of what it takes to make someone competition ready, can either discourage fighters or push them into competition prematurely.

4. “Everyone should compete at least once, it’s an event”

A competition is an event for a prepared fighter, be it MMA competition preparation or BJJ competition preparation. For an unprepared one, it can be traumatic. Opponents at tournaments are not training partners. They expect resistance and act accordingly. They are not careful, they expect the worst and attack accordingly. Injuries are common in competitions, and the emotional damage caused by being physically and mentally overpowered by a much better prepared opponent can be crippling.

Many participants leave the mat with those glassy “what’s happened to me” eyes, disoriented and shaken to the core. Those are the faces of traumatised people. The feeling of powerlessness and inability lingers with them for a long time, often taking their journey sideways. Presenting competition as a harmless social experience is misleading and irresponsible.

#5. I’ll push you

This phrase is common in the personal training industry. While often well-intended, it is risky. What it does is take over the responsibility of the trainees’ self-development. And from that moment on, it’s not the trainee’s business anymore how they progress; it’s the coach’s.

Yet, no coach have full access to the trainees circumstances, including injury history, sensitivities, life constraints, etc., many of which are never disclosed for being too personal. Within a few months, the shallow judgment the coach based his advice on starts to burden the trainee, leading to a drop in motivation. Many trainees opt to make excuses and withdraw from training in an effort to regain control over their own journey.

#6. You’re thinking too much / You overthink

Overthinking, while have its official meaning in research (often linked to rumination or neuroticism), it’s most commonly used as a conversational shortcut when questions cannot be answered or when a plan is lacking details. In coaching contexts, it’s often a response given to students who hesitate or ask for detail because there’re weren’t taught the details of the mechanics properly. This reflects a breakdown in trust rather than a flaw in the trainee.

As noted, it also have a more scientific perspective, particularly regarding the concept of being prone to ruminate. It’s frequently associated with neuroticism in assessment tools, however, still under intense debate if it has a valid place in personality instruments, since it is understood to be influenced by environmental pressures. We talk about it a lot in the Brain & Combat tournament preparation handbook due to its fundamental role in lost fight recovery and confidence building.

Overthinking is also used in the context of how trainees learn. Some clubs show a strong preference for those who jump right into the moves without fully understanding the mechanics. This gives the impression that they are more promising students, compared to those who prefer to observe before trying a new technique, minimizing the risk of injuries. In truth, both types of trainees put in significant effort and can achieve the same goals if given fair treatment.

7. “Never question yourself—it’s wrong”

This advice is like telling someone with depression to “cheer up.” While often well-meant, it promotes self-blame. If delivered with warmth, it can offer emotional support, but still no advice or actionable path forward. The thinking patterns involved in questioning one’s abilities or values are linked to deeply rooted beliefs that form through long-term experiences since early years.

A more helpful approach is curiosity: instead of telling someone to “don’t do” something, ask about their worries, and guide the trainees toward resources or frameworks that build awareness and provide a strategic approach to address the concerns.

8. “Be more confident”

This is a comment that should be responded with the ‘ok, how’ right away. This statement signals a misunderstanding of how confidence works. Confidence is not a decision or a mindset exercise. Confidence, in a nutshell, is one’s trust in one’s ability to do something successfully. We discuss the formation of this trust in a dedicated chapter for confidence of tournament preparation handbook to clear the myths around it.

Telling someone to “be more confident” implies that confidence is a personal choice (which it is not), and it takes only a few thinking exercise (which it doesn’t), and that it’s necessary for winning (which it is not).  

Some coaches treat confidence, regardless of how they define it, as if it were magical fairy dust, sprinkling it into their trainees’ eyes as the ultimate solution for everything in life. However, when the dust settles, and it settles fast under the stress of a tournament, reality hit harsh that simply telling themselves that they’re good doesn’t do the job.

Chasing confidence will not replace walking the path; the work still needs to be done on a daily basis. And at the end of that work, you’ll find yourself comfortably doing what you’ve done before a hundred times… and that is confidence, quietly forming in the background without a flashy banner or external validation.

9. “Leave your ego out”

Ego is often mischaracterized in martial arts culture. It’s often blamed for every conflict, emotionality or even drive. In reality, it is a primary defense against exploitation and abuse, and their internalised body, the shadow. Without it, fighters would struggle to protect themselves, physically and psychologically.

What is often labeled as “ego” is frequently a healthy response to boundary intrusion. In other cases, the shadow takes over and starts a compensating scheme. In the first case, the ego did its job; in the second case, the ego lost against the shadow. It’s a complex subject, but essentially, the ego plays a crucial function to connect with the environment outside and keep balance inside.

For example, if my drilling partner suddenly jumps on my chest to try something they saw on YouTube, I experience abuse since I’m unprepared and didn’t consent to anything beyond the drill. My ego will trigger defensive anger to stop them from repeatedly crossing the line. If my anxiety were stronger, it would block my ego from acting: I would swallow the abuse, and my opponent would keep trying dangerous moves until I got hurt. This would lead to losing motivation from being others’ dummy, ultimately causing me to drop out of training completely.

A lot of similar emotional displays in a club happen because someone crosses a line in some way or another. This is especially true in grappling arts, where the whole practice revolves around full body intrusion. Fighters play by their own principles which do not always match those of their opponents.

10. “You’re not putting enough into it”

This form of “tough love” or “pulling up by putting down” is build on the idea that belittling efforts will increase motivation. The assumption is that the trainee could interpret it as “I know you have so much more to offer” and see it as a compliment. In practice, it often has the opposite effect. While trainees may accept it on the surface, internally it signals that their work was ignored and the external expectations exceeds their currently available resources.

A more effective approach is acknowledging that the trainee gave what they had that day, recognizing their effort while keeping the challenges of real life in perspective. This is respect, this is motivating.

11. “I taught you well”

The approach of crediting fighters’ success solely to the coach disregards the fighter’s personal achievements and shifts attention away from them. Progress in martial arts is complex; the hero is never just one person. While coaches significantly impact professional development, combat sports demand much more than a good coach for success.

Moreover, effective coaches don’t need to self-advertise through their students. They know their role in the fighter’s success and recognise other contributing factors beyond their reach.

Conclusion

The patterns listed above are among the most common, and most harmful, forms of toxic support found in clubs. Many are so normalized that they are difficult to recognize without reflection. Collectively, they contribute strongly to the high turnover seen in many schools.

Taking occasional breaks from training, whether due to injury, fatigue, or intention, can be valuable. Distance allows perspective. It can help you assess your relationship with your club, integrate learning, and, if necessary, seek a healthier environment better aligned with your principles and better support your progress.